My Palo Santo was burning like a candle so I'm gonna take the opportunity to wish my baby Happy New Year! Talitha Dance might have a birthday in February but today marks a whole 365 days since I released my day job. The first year since the pandemic that I did not have the financial support of a regular full-time paycheck coming in.
It has been a true test of commitment, really digging into how badly I want this life and seeing how far I'm willing to go to create it. Am I willing to be on government assistance? Am I willing to take in a roommate? Am I willing to get creative and use all my skills and talents in every nook and cranny to sustain myself and my business? Am I willing to go out and network to broaden my client base? How uncomfortable am I willing to get to align with this goal? Am I willing to do shadow work? Am I willing to break down core foundations and rebuild them from scratch? Am I willing to release certainty about the future? Am I willing to release control of money?
Yes.
I have doubted my direction and questioned my calling and all my life choices. I have crumbled under anxiety attacks. I have bullied my boundaries into backing up and making more space in my comfort zone. I have asked for help, I have pared down my lifestyle to the barest minimum. I have continued putting out my purest vibration to heal and help my community even as I fell apart. I have been through one hell of a fire this year. That continuous burning without knowing when it will stop is not for the weak of heart.
As we turn the corner on our one year anniversary, I want to say there's a happy ending with enough funding in the bank and continuous income flowing in allowing us to offer multiple indoor and outdoor classes per week, assist multiple clients in creating personal movement programs, and host wellness events at low cost so everyone can enjoy them. I really do want to say that, I just haven't seen it yet. So all I can say is that I'm learning to live while on fire. Not just pulling all the stops to make sure I can somehow support myself while continuing to devote my time and energy to building and supporting this community, but taking time to look into the flames to distinguish the ashes of old conditioning, unhelpful thoughts, and limiting beliefs separate from the pure shou sugi ban rawness that is emerging. Taking a moment to appreciate the new life forming around me even as I sit in this intense insecurity and uncertainty.
This new year sees me beginning to stabilize while in the furnace. Making peace with uncertainty, finding calm in insecurity, grounding through higher and higher intensities, and all the while holding space for my community to be lifted with me.
When I look at it long enough, this char that's forming has a magnetic beauty all its own. Like my Palo Santo burnt black by the flame but still releasing healing energy, this girl is on fire.
Happy New Year Talitha Dance, we’re lighting fireworks in celebration of many more years to come.
